Separated Fathers inc.
Keep your balance in the separation
Jean Monbourquette was a psychologist and a best selling-author. His special areas of interest included forgiveness/grieving.
Inspired by Elisabeth Kübler Ross's
five stages of grief*, in the late 90's Jean helped us co-develop a grieving model adapted for men with regards to losses associated with the transitions of separation.
*Elisabeth Kübler Ross first discussed her theory of the five stages of grief in her book "Death and Dying" in 1969.
What I flee, catches up to me; what I face, fades!
What are your losses?
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Ties with the child;
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Relationship;
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Family life;
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Invasion of privacy;
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Impoverishment;
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Etc.
Before
MARITAL RELATIONSHIP
After
CO-PARENTING RELATIONSHIP
The grieving process: "Discovering the meaning of the loss"
The ground of our intervention.
The text below was largely inspired & adapted on Jean Monbourquette's book;
"Groupe d’entraide pour personnes séparées/ divorcées."
Grieving, forgiveness and separation
The event of the marital and many times the parental break-up brings about important losses. The grieving on the losses due to separation it is not as final as to grieve a loved one who has passed away.
The break-up may impact the loss of a family dream but you still remain a parent forever!
Transitioning from a marital/ parental relationship to a coparenting one can be a period of great emotional stress. When the marital break-up strikes, it happens "now", our comfort zone is shaken-up & the real challenge begins ; redefining the relationship with the partner and our children, re-establishing your co-parenting tasks, re-organizing daily schedules, rebudgeting finances and the last but not the least, is resetting your personal space ... to understand what just happened.
Robert Declos, Jean Monbourquette and Patrick Cavalier, May 22, 2012
When separation...really hurts!
The grieving process, is a required healthy process which can heal!
This is a way to face the pain so to better adapt to a profound change and to "let go" of the conflict. In some cases of the marital break-up, recurrent conflict can add to the stress and the resentment different than the loss of the grieving. In this particular situation, forgiveness can be the answer to a true letting go, breaking down patterns and being able to move forward. During the break-up, five dominant emotions prevail and they are all 'ok' emotions during this transition such as; anger, sadness, being anxious, guilt and shame. Those five main emotions when well named and understood, represent true landmarks and avenues for a renewed fatherhood and coparenting relationship.
There are some good news and bad news in dealing with this situational life crisis of a marital break-up
The bad news is, yes, it takes time, patience & perseverance to overcome the afflicting emotions and to give meaning!
The good news is, it works! It has worked for many of the separated fathers who have participated to SPi's group support and coaching sessions for the last 20 years. In other words, there are efficient tools and effective coparenting coaching methods to heal and grow through tough transition of life. The chart above highlites some of the key phases you may go through but the healing process must run its course. One very effective way is reaching out for help so to better cope with the change. It is not only for your own well-being and health, but for that of your child who is also grieving and in pain during this period of transition.